Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
The advantage of using a nailcutter is, you won't get scratchmark on your forehead skin and the disadvantage is, you can't peel off garlic skin.
Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear.
Your forehead is so big you donated it to charity for shelter!
How are you related to the sun? Because your teeth are the same colour as it.
You so ugly on Halloween someone said scary costume.
You're about as much use as parallel lines of a railway track. The only difference is the railway tracks take people places and with the way you are, it's no wonder you always end up going nowhere in life.
You are so dimwitted even the blackhole night sky looks brighter than you.
When I said "I was afraid of the dentist", I meant the bill.
What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
The only thing I have to offer men is that I don't ask questions during a movie.
Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
My girl always tells me "Life is about the little things", but I just hate when she talks about her Ex.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
When my friends are sad, i send them a long ass paragraph, but when I'm sad, they only say "Oh sorry" or "Well that sucks".