What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
Sex is like air; its not important unless you arent getting any.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your hotness with me.
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
Sorry, my dog ate your text message.
They say people couldn't have everything because they don't have enough space to put it, I say 'everything' includes a bag with infinite space so I can put everything in easily.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Q: What did the nurse say to John Cena? A: ICU.
My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed "You're psychic" to "You're psycho."
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But roses are wilting, violets are dead, sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.