If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.
The man who discovered copper died penniless.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.
I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.
What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one.
What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme!
Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.