Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is pretty messed up!
You have the perfect face for radio.
What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.
don't regret doing things, regret getting caught
There are two types of guys: those who pee in the shower and those who don't admit it.
Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict!
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common? They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them the most.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
A friend is like a book: you don't need to read all of them, just pick the best ones.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.
What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.