According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha teperature.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I am known at the gym as the "before picture."
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.