I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
If time is money are ATM's time machines?
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u
God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.