You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.
Dating a single mother is like continuing from somebody else's saved game.
Is everything expensive or I'm just poor?
As best man it is my job to tell you about the groom, and all the embarrassing things that have happened to him in the 28 years leading up to what was the happiest day of his life until i started this speech.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I... can't see.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women.
Scientists proved that cows don't give us meat and milk. We just take it from them!
I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."