If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Strangers have the best candy.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league.
Most guys walk up and stick it in... I stick it in then walk up...
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Childhood is like being drunk, everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.
I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.