For once in my life, I'd like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.
Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.
If you're looking for the best time to spill things on yourself, might I suggest wearing a white shirt and right before an interview.
What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?
Evening news is where they begin with Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My brain is not equipped with facial or name recognition technology.
We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.