Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.