I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down.
I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?
My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u
God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.