So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I work to buy a car to go to work.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine."
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.