Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?"
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday eight hours.
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
What does snowman have and snow women doesn't, snowballs.
I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
It's just a bad day, not a bad life.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.