I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Aha, I see the Fuck-Up Fairy has visited us again!
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
Turtles think frogs are homeless.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.