It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday eight hours.
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
What does snowman have and snow women doesn't, snowballs.
I got caught in police speed trap yesterday. The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.
I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
It's just a bad day, not a bad life.
Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.