People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
If time is money are ATM's time machines?
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.
My life is an open book. But it's very poorly written and I die in the end.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Everyone has a friend who laughs funnier than he jokes.
Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.