Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.
Hey, you have something on your chin... no, the 3rd one down.
I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hell in hell without you!
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes.