Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?
I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. Should have cooked it on aloha teperature.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I am known at the gym as the "before picture."
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.
The man who discovered copper died penniless.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.