Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?
Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
I'm a people person, but from a distance.
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
Even paranoids have enemies.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.
Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.