I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.
What dog can jump higher than a building? Anydog, buildings can't jump!
The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."
Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
Makeup tip: You're not in the circus.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.
I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...
You're so fake, Barbie is jealous.
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.
The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.
"Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you."
Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days