Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.