I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.
I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
I would love to insult you... but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
Now that I'm older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.
There's only one problem with your face, I can see it.
Turtles think frogs are homeless.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.