A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?