Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included.
I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.
Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hell in hell without you!
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
It's so cold that I have to take half a Viagra so I won't pee on my shoes.
Hit snooze until the panic sets in.
It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I work to buy a car to go to work.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.