Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Take my advice I'm not using it.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave the hardware store".
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".