You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.
Autocorrect just changed "I have so much anxiety I can barely breathe" to "I'm fine."
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Aha, I see the Fuck-Up Fairy has visited us again!
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.