I bet you I could stop gambling.
Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.
Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.
There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.
Yo're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:1) Crimes2) Accidents 3) MarriagesNeed I say more?
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was rightI feel ten years older already.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".