Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I shit on?"
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I named my hard drive "dat ass" so once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'.
My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.
Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.