Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.