If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.
My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode really...
Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.