When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.
Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.