When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Is google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.
Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.