When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Isn't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.