If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday...
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.
I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was.