42 percent of statistics are made up!
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.
Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home
Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.