The light at the end of the tunnel are the front lights of a train.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.
Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.
Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.
Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
If everyone was like you the human race would lose faith in the world.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokemon I've caught.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.
Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.