Top 3 situations that require witnesses:1) Crimes2) Accidents 3) MarriagesNeed I say more?
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was rightI feel ten years older already.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.
If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
The only way you'll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.
My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?