A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
You're more special than relativity.
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.
If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.
I speak Swedish with an Ikea accent.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
I'm a people person, but from a distance.
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
What's a man's idea of a balanced diet? Beer in each hand!
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
Even paranoids have enemies.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.