The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Can't wait to start my New Years resolution in 2018!
I'm looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.
Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?"Me: "I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death."
I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.
Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage.
You're like school in the summertime - no class.
I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
I know I'm getting old... the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
Remember, it's not what you do... it's what you get away with.
But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.
I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.
Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"
If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut