Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I met my soulmate. She didn't.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
I hate lying people, they're always in my way to the ocean.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?
I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.