Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
Let me make this simple, I want to be invited but I don't want to go.
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday...
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
I like to finish other people's sentences because... my version is better.
Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode really...
Turning vegan is a big missed steak.