Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.
You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.
You're about as useless as an asshole with tastebuds.
All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
My annual performance review says I lack "passion & intensity", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.
Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
We all sprang from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
Why didn't the Indian like having two t.p.'s? They made him 2 tence.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
I might drive you crazy, but at least I'll take the scenic route.
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.
You're so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.