Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them...
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.
Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.
There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.
Yo're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.
The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.