Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.
The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me.
I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.
I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I'm walking away from talking to someone they say "What an ass?"
You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Friends wave red flags when you have a bad idea. Real friends pick up a camera.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.
I'm stuck somewhere between playing my cards right & not playing with a full deck.