Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention!
Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.
I am probably single....because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
You're so fat, you could sell shade.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.