Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.
What would martin luther king be if he was white? Alive.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
I'll be Burger King and you be McDonald's. I'll have it my way, and you'll be lovin' it.
It's ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don't think she'd be a good secret agent.