Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
I hate girls that complain about being single every 3 minutes. 90% of my socks are single & you don't see them crying about it.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Why can't women read maps? Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.
People are lot less judgy when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole.
Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"
If you dont believe in Oral Sex, keep your mouth shut
The light at the end of the tunnel are the front lights of a train.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Why dont blacks celibrate thanksgiving? KFC isnt open on holidays.
Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.
Shock me, say something intelligent.
Social life? You mean my phone?
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day.
You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.