Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
You have to be flexible to work here. On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why dont blacks celibrate thanksgiving? KFC isnt open on holidays.
Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.
Shock me, say something intelligent.
Social life? You mean my phone?
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
I am so poor I can't even pay attention.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
You look like a before picture.
If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra.
Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.