You look like a before picture.
If shit was music, you'd be an orchestra.
Morning is the time when everyone is jealous of unemployed.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?'
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.
Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back home