Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day.
What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over!
Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me.
I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.
I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I'm walking away from talking to someone they say "What an ass?"
You'd think that with NSA reading our tweets all the time, they could star or retweet some of the good ones.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.