A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Laziness is when a person doesn't fake that he's working.
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.
Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.
My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.