All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Masturbating is wrong in some people's eyes... Also, it burns.
Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.
Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.
Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.
I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
If everyone was like you the human race would lose faith in the world.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokemon I've caught.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Mostly men lie before the elections, sex and after fishing.
Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.
Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.