"Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you."
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.
I'm good at multitasking and procrastinating, which means right now there are at least 28 things that I'm putting off until later.
Whenever i have a headache,i take two asprins and keep away the children,like the bottle says
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is in the future.