I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I plan to donate my liver to an alcoholic so i'll know it's a match
I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.
Why is there cotton in pill bottles? To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before drug dealers.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.
Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
You're so fat, you could sell shade.
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.