One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer...
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.