A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why'd the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.
When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman marry three times.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
I'm selling a parachute just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
Q: What do you call a bunch of dead black people in a barn? A: Out dated farming equipment.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.
When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.