Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off,
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.
Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer...
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?