I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions which your wife asks for nothing.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
I intend to live forever... or die trying.
Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us.
The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later".
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
I would love to insult you... but that would be beyond the level of your intelligence.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?