I am probably single....because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. ...Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.
I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.
Please go play with your brother. That's basically the reason we had him.
If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic