I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
You are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk.
If bullshit could float...you'd be the Admiral of the fleet!
What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.
Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.
It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
Karma takes too long, I'd rather beat the shit out of you just now.