If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... except when you're at a funeral.
We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Three words to ruin a man's ego...? "Is it in?"
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
If you're going through Hell, keep going.
My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.
Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
My son is an ungrateful little shit! I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he'd rather sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I wonder if my first cat appreciates being at least slightly immortalized in my passwords.
Just tell me when and where and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours.