I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
Oh, you're straight? Well, so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet.
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
42 percent of statistics are made up!
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
Failure is not an optionit comes bundled with the software.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... except when you're at a funeral.
We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Three words to ruin a man's ego...? "Is it in?"
I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention!
Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.