I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.
My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.
Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."