If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
You are so ugly when you looked in the mirror your reflection walked away.
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
The road to success is always under construction.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
It's not often that one gets the opportunity to speak about someone intelligent, respected and admired. Unfortunately tonight I have to talk about (NAME).
Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit ..."
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
Oh, you're straight? Well, so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet.
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
Father's day, the most confusing day in the ghetto.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
Failure is not an optionit comes bundled with the software.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.