A procrastinator's work is never done.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn't have internet.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.
My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.
Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
If you're going through Hell, keep going.
I got lost in your eyes. But I also get lost in most department stores, so I wouldn't read too much into it.
Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.