In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.
Is pikachu called pikachu because he always say pikachu or is he saying pikachu because he is pikachu?
If you want to hide your face, go out naked.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
When in doubt, mumble.
My kid just called Child Protective Services because he still has an iPhone 5S.
Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.
Just remember ...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.