Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned...
What is a blonde's favorite color? Glitter.
Life's a jungle let's go to your place and fuck like animals!
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.
Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul.
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.