What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
If you don't like my opinion of you improve yourself!
I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not screwed on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.
Just remember ...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Where the woman's neck ends the infinity begins.
I can't decide which room not to clean first.
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
Virginity is not dignity, but lack of opportunity.