I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means Stop.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
That one liner 'i'm not drinking too much tonight' never goes as planned...
Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
You was sent back to earth from hell becasuse the devil choked on your soul.
There's a pigeon walking up the driveway. I don't care what he wants. I'm not answering the door.
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.
There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean.
What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.