My wine drinking is merely functional... My personality is better with a little marinade.
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, "close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over."
I like the way your medication thinks.
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren't married and I told him yes, but I honestly don't know.
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I think I've discovered my supersymmetric partner.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
My five-year-old: "I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.
Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications.
If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.
My room + internet connection + music + food homework = perfect day.
S.I.N.G.L.E...sexy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!
Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.
I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.