Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.
There is no I in Team, but there's always one big A... if you know what I mean.
What's the difference between an Aussie and a Yoghurt? A Yoghurt's got culture!
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
You're so pretty, you could be in a beer commercial.
You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
Thanks honey for rolling over at 3am and telling me I should get some sleep.In my insomnia stupor that hadn't crossed my mind.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
I'm selling a parachute just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.