I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.
How do you fix a woman's watch? Why should you? There's a clock on the oven.
I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.
Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. "So it's like any other day."
I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.
Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
I think I've discovered my supersymmetric partner.
Breaking: Man takes longer to find emoji than it would have taken him to find words that convey what he wanted.
I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
In my experience there's two ways to get things done, the right way and the drunk way.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!