Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
I'm selling a parachute just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp.
When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman marry three times.
Why'd the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.
Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
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Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.