Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
After the weekend the most difficult task is to remember names...
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
I'm selling a parachute just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? "Cause you're fatter than they are."
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?
Multitasking: screwing up several things at once.
Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order" to "launch order."
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.