Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!
You were beautiful in my dreams, but a fucking nightmare in reality.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant.
A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her follows you behind.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!
I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
If you don't like my opinion of you improve yourself!
In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Spent 15min tracing a suspicious noise that tuned out to be the lid not screwed on the Coke bottle tightly enough. If you need a top sleuth.
I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music.