No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen.
You and Me = Grand Unification
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Glad I'm not a general, because auto-correct just changed "lunch order" to "launch order."
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
Your as worthless as, Tits on a boar hog.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."
You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third... but I touched second.
There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
My New Years resolution is 1080p.