Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
Even paranoids have enemies.
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
Love is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
An iron rule of a leader make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.
Do you need space? Join NASA!
Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.
You must be a magnetic monopole because all I get from you is attraction.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
You're more special than relativity.
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.