I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
I'm a people person, but from a distance.
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
If you get in the mood to do some work, someone will always wake you up.
What's long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Love is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
An iron rule of a leader make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.