If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
I'm a people person, but from a distance.
In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from local zoo.
Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
If you see me with a water bottle, there's probably vodka in it
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!