Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.
Doggies just call it style.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm rich; what am I supposed to do, hide it?
If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.
You won't drink away the alcoholism.
In principle, I can stop drinking, the thing is I don't have such a principle.
I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.
It is said that, a way to a man's heart goes through a stomach. Aha...you might think that men go to their lovers to eat some soup.
If you have worked and didn't get anything, it means someone else got it.