My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have.
Look, if crying doesn't solve the problem, then maybe I'm just not the person you should be asking.
On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?
The four most beautiful words in our common language: "I told you so."
This may sound arrogant but I think I could make a better Periodic Table.
If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.
I speak Swedish with an Ikea accent.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn't.
If you want your dreams to be as fascinating to other people as they are to you, don't mention it's a dream until the end of the story.
I'm a people person, but from a distance.
That moment when you laugh so much about your friends joke you end up farting accidently.
Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover.
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him.
Even paranoids have enemies.
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what's the speed of darkness?
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.