He may have a nice car but I have a fast sleigh
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I am now on three dating sites because you can never get enough rejection.
Doggies just call it style.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.